I'm constantly editing and updating my resume in case a miracle job or internship comes along.
I'm actually kind of getting sick of looking at it, I wish I could say what I really wanted to say about myself to just be frank and get the point across.
So here's what my resume would really look like if I was brutally honest about myself and my skillz:
Objective:
To make it rain, bitch.
Education:
High School North, 2007-2010.
Stood out as one of the only white people amongst a sea of asians in AP classes, mad high GPA. Mad high in general.
The Pratt Institute, 2010- present.
hasn't dropped out *yet*
(mad)Skillz:
Tall- good for reaching things at unreachable heights
Can burp on command
Cheap drunk
Mad good at photoshop and illustrator (as long as I can google tutorials)
Can blow bubbles with chewing gum (saliva too)
Can pretend like I know what I'm doing
Can text while driving
Can read at a 5th grade level
Great at spelling (all my teachers told me this would count for something)
Can write in cursive (...all my teachers told me this would count for something)
Pro face painter
Some spanish (rojo, cervesa por favor, MOJITO AHORA, siesta, con queso, pinata)
Achievements:
Never pulled an all-nighter (for school reasons at least)
One time made like $75 in tips when I wrote a sign that said "TIP FOR A COMPLEMENT" on the tip jar at the farmer's market
Can eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's
Previous Experiences:
WASN't fired at any of these places:
Barista, Bedford Hill Coffee Bar- May 2012- present
Still blubbering around because I only half know what I'm doing
Lab Monitor, MCC lab- August 2010-present
Made grumpy faces at dumb people, only helpful to friends and cute boys. One time threw up in the recycling bin on my last morning shift Freshman year. No worries, no one ever watched the surveillance tapes.
Was also a maid at an inn, a barista and gelato scooper and breakfast sandwich maker at a local coffee shop, a drug dealer('s girlfriend), grumpy camp counselor, worked for Barbizon models for a day, tutored dumb kids in high school, watched mad men on netflix all day at only retail job ever, BABYSITTER4LYFE, + lots of internships with places you've probably never heard of (i'm not being pretentious, I'm being honest).
Will NOT (cannot):
Get up earlier than 10 for work, subtract or divide without a calculator, work any job without tips or commission, cut onions, ever watch movies from the Twilight series.
